Best joke of the day

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile... .Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read :



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've reached

Date: 16 Mar 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we

are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

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Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!

LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

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史上最牛的學生

博君一笑!!!
  

這麼強大的回答？不發給你們看看？那真是太對不起你們了。

1.“床前明月光”，下一句同學填“李白睡的香”…
 
2.“三個臭皮匠”下一句他竟然填“臭味都一樣”…
批卷老師立即暈倒…

3.陶淵明的“不為五斗米折腰”，
那同學斗膽的寫“給我六斗就可以”…

4.“窮則獨善其身”，下一句同學填“富則妻妾成群”。

5.“西塞山前白鷺飛”，下一句“東村河邊烏龜爬”？

6.“天若有情天亦老”，下一句“人若有情死的早”？

7.“葡萄美酒夜光杯”，下一句“金錢美女一大堆”…

8.“想當年，金戈鐵馬”，下一句“看今朝，死纏爛打”…

9.這個才過癮！ “洛陽親友如相問”， 同學對“請你不要告訴他”…

1 0.“兩情若是長久時”，同學對“該是兩人結婚時”

1 1.“書到用時方恨少”，同學對“錢到月底不夠花”…

12.“清水出芙蓉”，有人寫“亂世出英雄”…

13.“問君能有幾多愁”，同學填“恰似一壺二鍋頭”。

14.這個更絕了！ “日照香爐生紫煙，李白來到洗手間，小李飛刀一瞬間，李白變成小太監。

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Miss

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Prison VS work rating

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Singh joke

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America.
A lady came and asked him, " Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh." Another guy came and asked the him the same question.
Singh answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am
relaxing."

The Sing slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot.
Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate
Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even though it's not the answer I expected.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"
The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every
minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World Channel'. How does he know that?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three men were stranded on an uninhabited island. One was Hindu, one a Muslim, and the other a Singh.
The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the next island, which was inhabited.
The Muslim was so determined to get home that he tried to swim. He made it 50 miles, got tired, and drowned.
Then the Hindu tried. He made it 75 miles, but got tired and drowned, too.

The Singh thought he could make it all the way, so he started swimming. He swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so he swam all the way back to the island.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started
thanking God.
A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing; what are you
thanking God for ?"
The Singh replied "I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn't riding
the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window.
He then removes his turban and throws it away as well.
His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,"
he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.

So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one said, "I came here for blood test" Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid ? " First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"

Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished
and asked other, "Why are you crying?" The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily.
After eating he goes to wash hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, Mr. Singh, what are you doing?"
To this the man replies," Oye, see the board here, "Wash Basin".

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Office comic

  A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor in Bombay.

  First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

  The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

  "How does he drive you crazy?"

  "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First,  whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

  The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

  "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

  "Hmm, anything else?"

  The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top!

  Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

  "Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

  So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

  The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

  The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public-looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

  The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

  "What did he say?"

  "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

  The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

  The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

  "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

  "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your love making."

  "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

  "What did he say?"

  The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, "Don't screw up."

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Muhibbah - Insult everybody equally.

Do Enjoy the following Malaysian jokes

LIGHT BULB JOKESJust to give you the hang of it...
How many Irish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Five. One stands on top the table holding the bulb, the other four rotates the table.

How many Chinese does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One screws in the bulb, the other one gives you the bill.

How many Indians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Fifty. And they'll form a union after that.

How many Malays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. Malays are not supposed to screw anything other than their wives.

How many TNB workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Ten. One screws in the light bulb, nine others claim overtime.

How many MIC members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. They can't reach the bulb. Somebody threw all the chairs and tables.

How many Sarong Party Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. Sarong Party Girls don't screw anything that's yellow.

What do you call the Malay guy who lost his car in Jalan Ampang?
- Carlost Zubir

The Malay guy who lost his motorcycle at a MSG factory?
- Hajinomoto

THE SURVEY
A recent survey on Malaysian sex habits revealed the following:
What do Malaysian men do immediately after sex?
20 % roll over and light up a cigarette
Another 20% go to the bathroom to wash
The majority, 60% of the men; they go home!

DJ MISUNDERSTOOD?A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl.

"What's your name girl; how old are you?"
"My name is Cheryl; I am 8 years old."
"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull."
"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a barbie doll for you.
Ladies; gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."

The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever; articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced,

"My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Maths; Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps; stickers."
The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence; had started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were beaming with pride at how smart their son was.
"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well. Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"
The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the microphone; finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"

THIS ONE WON'T BE MISUNDERSTOOD...
Ever thought of becoming a deejay in a local Malay radio station? Easy! Just master the art of repeating every other word. Example.....cuaca, ya cuaca di Kuala Lumpur sekarang mendung, mendung... keadaan trafik, trafik di Cheras sesat, sesat....anda, ya anda sedang mengikuti, mengikuti siaran, siaran Repeat FM .... OK, OK, kita dengar lagu, ya lagu dari Ella, Ella...terima kasih, terima kasih kepada anda, anda...."

WHEN YOU DRIVE A PROTON SAGA...
What's the first thing that come to your mind when you see a Chinese man driving a BMW?
- A pimp
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Malay man driving a BMW?
- Ahmad

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see an Indian man driving a BMW?
- A car jockey
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you see a Bhai driving a BMW?
- A car repossesor

THE LITTLE ONE
If Puff Daddy were to marry Mariah Carey, what will they call their kid?
- Curry Puff. But since they are so rich, it'll probably be Kaya Puff...

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JOKES CORNER (kakakakaaaa....)

*DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY**
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!*

*NAMES OF WIVES**
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !*

*HOW **INDIA** GOT ITS NAME**
This is how **India** got its name.....**
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?"...*

*RESEARCH FINDING**
Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!*

*ARAB MAN**
An arab was being interviewed at a **US** checkpoint.**
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"*

*SERVICE**
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be
satisfied with self-service"*

*HAPPY MAN**
What makes a happy man? Daughter on the cover of cosmo. Son on the over of sports illustrated. Mistress on the cover of playboy and .. Wife on the cover of "missing persons"*

*SWIMSUIT**
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.*

*GOOD AMBITION**
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u an tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.*

*DENTIST**
Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."*

*VIRGIN**
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : ORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. The engraver shortened it to: "RETURNED UNOPENED "*

*OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL**
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl. On their first night both were crying - why??? Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything. *

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Best Joke

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian:

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

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Kids Are Quick

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA:       Here it is. 
TEACHER:    Correct.  Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria. 
____________________________________   

TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN:  You told me to do it without using tables. 
__________________________________________ 

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:     K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   

(I  Love this kid) 
____________________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:   What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________ 

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:     Me! 
__________________________________________   

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN:   Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________ 

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:       I  is... 
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:       All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
________________________________ 

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.   Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:      Because George still had the axe in his hand...   
______________________________________   

TEACHER:    Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:     No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________ 

TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :      No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:      A teacher
__________________________________   
  
SHARE  IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE  LAUGH! 
LAUGHTER  IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

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A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor in Bombay.

First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top!

Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public-looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up."

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Joke of the year

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
 
Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.'

The Man says: 'Yes,it is.'
Boy: 'I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!'
Man: 'OK,how much?'
Boy:'$1,000.'

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again. Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have soccer boots.'
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy:
'How much?'
The Boy says:'$5,000.'

The Man says: 'Fine,  I will buy them.' A few days later, the Father says to the boy:

'Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game.'
The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000.'

The Father says: 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... $6,000 is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your 'SINS.'
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: 'Dark in here.'
The Priest says: 'Don't start that again!'
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR
FATHER'S HOUSE !

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Have a nice day, be happy always

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following  reasons:

•   I do physical labor.
•   I work at great depths.
•   I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
•   I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
•   I work in a damp environment.
•   I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
•   I work in high temperatures.
•   My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

        Sincerely,

        P. Niss

The Response  

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
• You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
• You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don't always ob! serve n ecessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
• You will retire well before you are 65.
• You are unable to work double shifts. 
• You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

        Sincerely,

        V. Gina    

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